[ World, National, Entertainment ]
[Sports, Weather, Miscellaneous ]
| A Wakko News Report / 1,000,000 readers | Cost:$58.72/1st Edition. |
Russian Olympian Alexander Popov was recently stabbed in the stomach. The stabbing took place near a watermelon stand. Reportedly they were arguing over the ripness of the vendor's melons.
With the UN presidency being up for grabs at the beginning of the year, female rights activist want a female as the UN head. Not only is the time right but they feel sweeping changes could be made. Some sited were that they would make it mandatory to put the toliet seat down when down. Also all UN soldiers would have to pull over and get directions anytime they were lost.
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Army today placed lost signs up on telephone poles in order to find some of their lost equipment. This after a soldier lost his life after finding a lost grenade. The Army reports missing 2 tanks, a jet, and a Hum Vee. If not found soon, next step will be milk cartons.
President Clinton ran into some bad luck today on his whistle stop tour of the country. He was unable to stop and get off at Chicago, the site of the DNC convention, because someone stole his whistle.
New certificate program allows poor people a chance to purchase a house of their own. The certificates are also redeemable for Big Macs, Arch Deluxes, fries, and shakes.
NASA reported that they have found proof that life exists on Mars. They unvailed Ray Walston, actor from My Favorite Martian. NASA says that the role was more than just a job but rather an act to hide his real identity. It seems Mr. Walston came here during the martian potato famine. Immigration now wants to speak with him. Though NASA is putting in a good word since his is they're favorite martian.
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Alan Funt's Candid Camera turns 50 this year...to celebrate their going to televise Alan sitting in an empty room with his reaction when they tell him this is all the people who really like candid camera.
Actor Billy Dee Williams is suing his former girlfriend, claiming she took $35,000 worth of his belongings. Some of the items reportredly taken was a $14,000 cookie jar collection, $8000 grand piano, and his career.
The Artists formerly known as Prince and his new wife Mayte are expecting their first child. Some names picked out include ? and ! But the front runner is @.
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With her new found fame, gymnanst Kerri Strug has struck a deal with a major sponsor for a new ad campaign. The Summer's Eve Company will run adds that read, "When you need to hit an important vault you don't want to worry about if your fresh or not."
In a related note, Shannon Miller has parted company with Integrated Sports International saying she couldn't be around Minnie Mouse anymore. Referring to Kerri Strug's high pitch voice. Accordingly if she had sounded like Mickey it would have been okay but she drew the line since she sounds like Minnie.
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Today's Weather Where You Are:
Stand up. Look out your window. What is the weather like? Well that's the weather you'll have today.
Temperatures: Between -95 and 200 degrees. Will vary depending on where you are at.
Chance of Precipitation: 0 - 100%
Radar : Go turn on the tv and find your local radar...
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Scientist have found a gene that allows worms to live longer. This is good news for fans of Earthworm Jim who now will ahve a longer life thanks to this new discovery. Spokeswomen Peggy Slimy says that Jim is elated and that his 15 minutes of fame will last longer now. Aren't we all????
In an ironic twist surviving members of the ill-fated Titanic were present on another cruise ship when crews worked to bring up part of the ship. Sadly all were terrified of the new ship all screaming the whole time, "It's going to go down...get me off this bucket of bolts....They told us the last one was unsinkable."
Olympic Update: There reportedly has been an Izzy sighting. It seems Izzy was seen at the Hard Rock Cafe in New York. It is reported that he was mumbling that he would get Billy Payne. This is as a result of being left out of the Olympics in Atlanta. That coming off his break up with his band mates in Guns 'n' Roses. With Izzy now making his appearance the world once to know what next. Stay tuned....
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